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Weirdness [08 Aug 2006|06:29pm]
[ mood | happy ]

So, last night, I texted Ben and asked how he was doing. I know that he told me not to text him much, and it's been a couple months since I last tried to talk to him. Whatever. I wanted to check in on him and see how he was doing. Well, I wound up being on the phone with him.. and we talked for 2+ hours! O__O; It was a lot of fun to get to talk to him again about random stuff that was going on with both of us. He will be attending LARF this year, so I'll be on the lookout so I can say hi to him. ^^;; But, we had a non-meaniehead convo.. and he made me laugh a lot. XD Considering the night that I had, it was good to be smiling and laughing while talking to someone you have not heard from in a very long time. This'll be the last time that I talk to him for a few more months. He did tell me about this funny thing that happened on the knife show with a katana. I looked it up on youtube earlier.. rofl. It's hilarious. :D

I wound up getting off the phone around 5 am this morning. @.@ I was still sleeping at 3something pm when Mum came in and made me get up. I unpacked everything from my New Jersey trip. I took uniforms out of my closet. :hiss: It's great that I don't have to wear them anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do with them yet, but I'll find some use for them. Now that I've done that, I have some extra room in my closet. If you have seen my scary closet, then you will understand what I'm talking about.

I need to go get material for the kimono that I must sew. If anyone knows how to sew and use a pattern; answer me this please. I have a pattern for the kimono that I made for Numa, but I want to add some length to the pattern as well as a little in the width. Can I do this with the pattern I have now or do I need to make a whole new pattern or what? I really don't know. ~.~; I don't sew very often. I have two days to do that. It should get done. XD Maybe I can call and ask Oburichan. She might know what I'm supposed to do. ^^;;;

20 petals ~ does he love me?

Emotional once again. [07 Aug 2006|10:54pm]
Whenever someone needs advice or to lean on another.. then they come to me. I help them the best I can; give them my side of advice, whatever. But it seems the moment that I need someone to lean on or I need advice, then no one is around. They are like, oh she's emotional again, and then I get ignored. I want to drive to a cliff somewhere and just scream out and stomp to my heart's content. I guess I'm starting to break down. I can't keep hding everything inside. I need someone from the outside to look in and try to help clear up my fogged path. No, though, I remain in my daze; alone and heartbroken.

So, as a last resort, I'll do what I have to do. I'm a sense of comfort for everyone. They lean on me when they need it, but that's all they want. So, I'm going to lean on myself for the comfort I need. I'll boohoo here about how things suck. I can be just like one of those internet-obsessed emo girls that are looking for attention. I refuse to fall into that group. Which means that I'll continue to be super quiet until I'm drove insane. I already know that I'm a little out-of-touch with reality. Maybe I can become out-of-touch completely and then no one will have to worry about me. Who knows what will happen to me in the future. Regardless of what happens, I'll try to stand tall with a smile on my face. That's all I can do. I'll wait for a better tomorrow.

[22 Jul 2006|07:18pm]
new icon.. made by ookami. *o* daisuke is so smexxy. thanks my luvluv. <3 my day has been made. :D
3 petals ~ does he love me?

I make myself laugh.. [17 Jul 2006|12:54pm]

Although his full name is flippin awesome. XDDDD

BUT GO ME! XD I feel mean. :(

SurveyCollapse )
2 petals ~ does he love me?

Safe traveling [10 Jul 2006|07:55pm]
I made it to NJ in one piece. Yay! The landing was a bit rough, but I always hate landing. -_-; So, if you need me, call me.. they have unlimited long distance so I can call home at any time. <3 It makes me happy.

I feed my Dunkin Donuts adddiction already. heehee. We just ate too.. I think we are going out for ice cream in a little while. Squuee!~ I got all moved in when I cam home. I played with Asiya and talked to Catherine about stuff. Asiya is alright, but I defintly have my work cut out for me. This will be interesting... ^^;;; Um.. yeah.. so.. err..
4 petals ~ does he love me?

Hey! Long time, no update.. [03 Jul 2006|01:53pm]
[ mood | loved ]

I saw Charlie yesterday! It was fabulous! We went to the party thing at Uncle Charles like every year. I ate and hung around until it was time to leave and go get my luvluv. My parents and I went and picked him up from the train station. (^o^) Once in the car, we poked at each other for a few minutes before I was in his arms/holding hands. Once we got back to the party, I tried to introduce him to everyone that was there, especially the people that I knew. (~.~) We went and got him swim stuff out of the car and stayed in the front of the house to talk and huggle as well as some kissing. (<.<) It felt so right to be in his arms. I just held him in my arms for a little while. No words had to be exchanged. We knew what we felt and just huggling was all that we needed to express for a litle while.

We were making our way back into the house so we could change and go swimming when my grandmother had an episode. My mother came around the side of the house and yelled at my father that something was wrong with my grandmother. Without thinking, I bolted through the house and straight toward my grandmother. I did not even think about leaving Charlie there in the front of the house until later. I felt horrible that I did that, but I'm very close to my grandmother so hearing something was wrong was my priority to help. I went back there and she was making gargling sounds like she could not breathe well. I grabbed her head and kept it up. I looked into her green eyes.. so much like my own.. and I saw they were glazed. I was so scared. My mother yelled out to get her medicine from her pocket. Without thinking about what was told, I reached in her pocket and unscrewed the lid. Mum grabbed one of the small pills since I was shaking too much to do it. We put a fan on her and laid her on a couch. After all that, I look over and see Charlie.. looking so concerned. I stumbled to him and just hugged him. I heard him say something about I was trembling, but I still just attached myself to him. I could not hear anything or speak much. I was so scared. He somehow coaxed me inside to sit in cool air and just held me until I calmed down. He was telling me something when my mother told me to move my car so the ambulance could get into the driveway. I darted out the door and moved the car. They got my grandmother in the ambulance. Mum told me to get my stuff together, but I asked her to stay there. I would not be able to do anything at the hospital. I might as well stay at the party and calm down.

She agreed so Charlie and I stayed there. We sat on the loveseat and talked.. the whole time he just held me. We went swimming and hung around talking, huggling.. doing couple stuff (i.e. kissing) until my mother came and got us. We brought him home and went to the hospital. They were running tests on my grandmother. If everything came back okay then she could go home. Well, they kept her overnight so we are waiting to hear from the doctor. I think we may go down there later. I'm not sure. I fell asleep in the car. I think we got home around 12:30 am. I remember crawling out of the car. The next thing I remember is waking up in my bed this morning wondering why the light was so bright. :sigh: I was supposed to call Charlie back when I got home. (T.T) Sorry hun. I love you. I just fell asleep. :dies:

My throat hurts this morning. I miss him too. I love being close to him. I'm not going to let it get to me though. I'll live and await when I get to see him again. (^.^) No more worrying.

Today, Mum has me doing a lot of different things around the house. She gave me a lesson in washing clothes so I have to work on getting clothes washed, dried, and folded. I have to clean the fans soon. I even washed dishes this morning. Ookami called me as I was getting my lesson (I put her on hold until my mother finished), so when I started to flod the clothes... I told her why I put her on hold. All of a sudden my mother yells out "She's learning fro when she gets married!" I blinked and was like "WHAT? EXCUSE ME? O.O!" ....so yeah, my mother thinks I'll be getting married soon.. (o__O)

(copy and pasted from xanga)

Yo~ everyone should go HERE and watch the videos... then get the icons (look at my icons) and show the videos to everyone that they know and post the icons around.. MAKE SURE THE WORLD KNOWS OF CHRIS O'NEAL. I'm his fanclub president. Therefore YOU should listen to ME and do as I say. Thanks. I love you all. Have a fabulous day. <3

does he love me?

[21 Jun 2006|10:21am]
Wow. o__o I have not been here in about forever.

Well, I've been rather depressed lately. I could not figure out why, but some clues are starting to piece together. I think I understand a little more now. Heh.

I'll go update xanga with my ramble, so please check there if you want more details. ( link to my xanga ) Um. I miss everyone. ;~; I'll try to update more often. I also have pics to show everyone. I'll get those up as soon as I can. ^_^

EDIT: Bah. I'll just put the update here! That solves a lot...

Read more...Collapse )
12 petals ~ does he love me?

sad news.. [29 May 2006|01:22am]
i've been avoiding this update. sorry guys. i'm not even updating xanga either.

on thursday, my dog died from heatstroke. ;~; well.. we think that's why anyway. my mother is depressed and walks around the house moping around. i don't know what to do to make her feel better or anything either. sometime this year (hopefully) we'll get a mini pom puppy. i know it will not replace nana, but it will give my mother new hope. she'll be able to raise and teach the fuzzball. mini poms live for 8-15 yrs, so no worries for a while (if all goes well). mum seems pretty excited about possiblt getting a new puppy. i hope this will make her feel a little better. if not, i don't know what i'm going to do. i'm out of ideas. i don't know how to comfort her or anything either. she needs time, yes, but randomly bursting into sobs... i can't deal with it.

but yeah. all of you that knew and loved teh poofale... let her rest in peace.
3 petals ~ does he love me?

DICTATOR CHRIS [16 May 2006|04:05pm]
Ask how to join the club

I became his only fan today. I am so kool.

Everyone should love this man. Worship him even. He rocks. <3 DO IT.

If not.. then.. erm, um... he'll find something horrible to do to you. Yeah, that sounds good.
does he love me?

Nyaho [13 May 2006|07:17pm]
[ mood | content ]

Special thanks to those that wished me a happy birthday~
agentoneal, cerynitia, hiro_kitty, myr3volution, & thexlastxveela!! It means so much to me.. you'll never know.

Everything turned out well for my birthday. I ate lunch with my mother and cousin. We then went and got cake, ice cream, and candles since I wanted to have a small celebration for my bday. I have not had a party in a few years, but I'm having a grad party next week so I didn't want to ask too much. Miha called me for my bday. She lives in Germany so I was very happy. :D Heehee. We talked about random things including teh KIWI and his band.

Yesterday I got to go back to my school for practice. It was boring. I had to be there at 8 AM in the morning. -__-; I was very cranky, needless to say. BUT I GOT THE GOLD CORD!!!!! It's the best cord to get (3.5 to 4.0 GPA). Mum was so excited.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I went to the mall earlier and got her something. Nyaho~!

Charlie just called me so I'm going to go talk to him.

6 petals ~ does he love me?

[11 May 2006|04:16pm]
[ mood | content ]

This man fucking rocks my socks. I want to hug him and possibly steal his shirt.

Well, today has been pretty good. I haven't got a shoutout from the person that I thought would but that's alright. I'm not going to worry about it. People forget ne?

I made my mother buy me a cake and ice cream. >O I got candles even. LOL. I have not celebrated a bday in a few years, and this is an important day to me. Heehee; I'm 18. I want to have some sort of celebration. I don't care if I have to take the cake and ice cream upstairs, sing to myself, blow out self-lit, and proceed to put myself in a sugar coma. Mum said that I was not a kid, so I should not get a cake and ice cream. I ignored her. This is *MY* birthday. I know what I want, and that's what I'm going to get. End of story. I'll be a whiny brat if I have to.

Oh yeah.. I have pics to post here. x.x; I'll do it tomorrow. Too lazy right now. <.<;; I really want that cake..... hmm. rofl. I just thought of myself getting caked like Sunao. ::giggles::

Well, I'm off to find something else to do.
1 petal ~ does he love me?

[11 May 2006|10:05am]
[ mood | loved ]

I cut my hair yesterday. 5 in gone and layered.

Today is my bday. Woot.

Imoutochan gave me a couple things: This and OMG THIS ROCKS MY SOCKS

So far, my bday is going well. When I woke up, Mum asked me to come change the blank ink in the printer, so I walked down... and the kiddies sang happy bday to me. ♥

::cries:: Today is going to be great. I am so happy. I'm surrounded by people that love me and care for me. I thank each and every one of you for being there for me. It really means a lot to me. I cherish that love with all my heart. <3

6 petals ~ does he love me?

Zoo on May 7th [08 May 2006|07:53pm]
[ mood | happy ]

x-posted to xanga...

Yesterday I went to the zoo with my parents & Charlie. It was the first time that I have met Charlie. At first, I was really shy. I was still kinda thinking that it was a dream. I found myself looking down and blushing or looking at the bulidings.. but no matter what, I could feel his gaze on me. I could feel how inviting it was; he was silently asking me to look at him. When we got to the zoo, Dad wanted to eat. Mum told us that we could go ahead. I had my phone in case she needed me, and she has Charlie's number as well in case she can't get me. The first animals we saw were the flamingos. Those have to be the strangest birds in existance. (o_O) They are just so weird.

01 02

After wandering away from my parents, we past this really beautiful fountain. It had anelephant at the center, and around it were hippo heads. It's the first fountain that you wander past. It's also the main one.


First, we went and saw the elephants. They were playing a little, but then one came to the edge and showed off a little. They must really like people ne. We chatted a little about different stuff while I took a couple pics of the elephants. We also huggled a little.

01 02

I'm not sure of the names of the sections that we went through, so I do apologize for whatever the mess I think of to use. (XD) First was the Asian Domain. They had these adorable little otter little creatures (I'm not sure of they were.) We saw the tigers! *o* I did not know if they would have the regular orange tigers, and I was right because they did not have them. But they had White Bengal Tigers. They are just as beautiful so I was very excited to see them. <3 Lions were also there. One was even awake! (o.o) A few other animals were there. I took a pic of the camels. This little deer-looking thing too. I'm not sure what it's name is but it was adorable.

01 02 03 04 05 06 07

Next was the monkeys. The howler monkeys were cute but kind of annoying. They had these other very, very, very annoying monkeys. I don't know their name, and I don't care to know either. They made these really annoying sounds and everything. I was ready to kill them. Next were the orangutans. ::blush:: One had a paper bag cape. Charlie and I decide that he was superman. He even sang a tribute to him.. "monkey by day, superman by night" kind of thing. I was laughing so hard! It was hilarious.

01 02 03 04 05

After the monkeys, we were going to see the sea lions and other water creatures. Sadly, they were evacuated to Texas for the storm. They have not came back yet, so we did not see them. ::blushes more:: So, Charlie and I sat down by another fountain and talked a little more. We ran through the Tropical Birds. ::blushes even more:: They were in this open building, and one tried to poop on us. He got Charlie's arm but that was okay. They had a bathroom very close to the building so he was able to hurry and wash it off his arm. (:x)

01 02 03

After that was reptiles!! They had a Komodo dragon. (ToT) Scary... An endagered prehistoric crocodile was even there. He looked so odd!! All the reptiles & amphibians were looked in another building. Some of the animals scared me. They looked so creepy. LOL! I guess I'm not very big on some creepy crawlers. ::blushing red hot::

01 02 03 04

We started looking for food by then. No places were open. ::cries:: We found this out the phard way though... by wandering around through the whole park. We quickly ran through Africa, Australia and Louisiana animals. It had started to rain by then as well.

Africa: 01
Australia: 01
Louisiana: 01 02 03 04 05

As the rain started to pick up, we started to look for shelter until it slacked off. We wound up getting caught under this not-so-good little hut withs some other people. Charlie took off his shirt and dried off my face and arms. I was blushing so red that I hope no one saw. He was being so careful when gently cleaning the mascara that had ran. All I could do was sit there and look at him. After drying both of us with the shirt, the rain had started to pour, which led us to stand up in a little corner of the hut. As we waited there for the rain to slack off, Charlie held me close. I was clinging to him since I was a little cold, wet from the rain, and even scared (I don't like lightning and thunder; I was worried that as the rain got worst, both were sure to follow.) The rain slacked off a few minutes later, but I refused to let him go. I just wanted to hug him and let him hold me for as long as possible. It was such a happy moment. I did not want it to ever end. The need to eat become overpowering so we let our little hut to find food.We eat on a bench near the large elephant fountain. As we ate, we chatted a little more about random things. I wound up laying my head in his lap as we talked. We were about to fall asleep from exhaustion and a full tummy.

Random: 01

Charlie-kun!!!!: 01 02 03 04

He's going to kill me for that last picture. Tora said that she's going to compliment him on his butt if she talks to him tonight. Oh my.. I do wonder what the mess he's going to tell me when he talks to me now. (8D)

Today, I brought my aunt to the hospital and waited until she got out. Then we went and ate somewhere. On our way back her daughter calls. Cheyenne is HYSTERICAL. Come to find out Scott (my cousin) was fighting. Two of his friends came, and three boys came to fight so everything was even. Scott's friends & him beat up the other guys. Ah~ great times, great times. I'm glad that Scott fought in his yard AND beat some ass. <333

Then I came home and got my swim suit and went back over there to swim a little. Now, I smell like bleach from the water. It felt so good to swim though, so I really don't care. Nyaho~ Charlie-kun! I wish you could have came swimming with us. ::cries:: It was so cold and awesome.

I need a bath. Bai!

What the mess is up with HTML coding stuff NOT working in lj?? I can't get the pics posted because of it, so if you *need* to see the pics right now, then look on my xanga. I'll try to fool around a little more and get them posted. If not, I'll work on it tomorrow. <3

I found out what was going on and fixed it. ^^

1 petal ~ does he love me?

[06 May 2006|09:55am]
I officially jumped on over to xanga.

Lookie at my xanga! It's all pink and happy and has hearts. :3 Yay for being in love.

Anyway though, I *AM* keeping my livejournal, which I'll update everyone on stuff that happens. Don't worry... I'm not leaving everyone. :D I'll still be here hanging around. I should be doing some renovations to teh lj soon to prepare it for a better chibi life to account for. Heehee. In fact, I think I already have a layout in mind...

I've been obsessing over Luis Royo artwork, as well as Joseph Michael Linsner. *o* Some of their art is a bit racy, so I don't like all of their art... but waahh~ so awesome. I can't stop staring at teh prettiness of their art. It makes me wish that I could draw.

Today, Mum and I are off the Baton Rouge. Heehee. Fun times. We're going to find something to wear for Graduation. <3

Other than that, I've been up to nothing really. T.T;; Just enjoying my days off where I don't have to go to school anymore. Wootness.

Now I have eaten and been caffeinated, off I bounce to get ready~ See ya!

1 petal ~ does he love me?

WENKJEBRFDEWRBJKBE@$)^&$(*^ NERBJKQERKQW!!! [27 Apr 2006|03:21pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Sorry, I'm in an extremely cranky mood.

Last night, I pulled out of my prom plans. I'm going to call in a second and cancel my hair appointment. Tomorrow, I'll bring everything back (dress, purse, shoes, etc.) & get teh moneys back. Mum is not too happy with my plan, but there is nothing else I could do. I TOLD her (and everyone else) that Prom was going to fall through. ::sigh:: I'm pretty upset about it myself. I guess I did really want to go.

We planned that 5 girls were going to get together, take pics, go eat, then go back to Tricia's to have fun/swim/watch movies. I agreed because I had nothing else to do. I was not going to the dance, so I thought it wouldn't hurt. Bailey's parents set her with a blind date and say she's going to the dance. Tricia's parents pleaded her to go to the dance. Everyone had a date except yours truly. They even tried to mind me a date but it was too late. Tricia told me like 3493824629834 times that she was sorry and felt bad. I wanted to yell back her so badly. YEAH, FUCKING DUH. You're the one that changed the plans so much and screwed everything up. Now I'm not going.

Maybe it's better this way. I felt weird not going with Charlie, anyway. Mum suggested talking to him and seeing if he could leave for the weekend or something. She even offered to go get him from Jackson and bring him back here. He can't because he has to study for two tests, projects, abd other college stuff. I feel bad for not being able to go too. This is one of the things to look forward to as a Senior. And I'm not going to even another event. I can't do anything about it though. I feel so stupid for setting myself up for this. I knew that I should have said no and said myself this. I was really looking forward to going... but NOOO. Just my fucking luck.

Can I shoot myself now and save the misery? Oh gah, now I'm crying. I hate feeling helpless and useless. My alternative: Go to the movies (alone) and see Silent Hill since no one is going to be out that night. Woot~! Another freaky/scary movie I'll see alone. This rocks. ::sarcasm::

In other bad news, a little brown bird was in the road on my way home today. It was down my road which is a dead end road. Anyway, it went to run... and I hit it. I went back, and moved it out of the toad so no one else would hurt it. I did not kill it. I think I broke it's leg. I did not know what to do either. All I think of was move it out of the road. I feel so horrible. My compassion for animals is so much larger than that for humans. ::sigh:: I wanted to bring it home and take care of it until it got better. I don't know how though. So I left it there.. on the side of the road... to die. Oh my God. That poor thing. Why did I leave it? ::cries:: My aunt keeps picking on me about it too. She tells me stuff like "What till you hit a dog" or "At least it was not a turtle" or "Luckily it was just a bird and not a racoon." GAH WOMAN. I don't want to hit anything! I'm sorry little bird... I did not mean too...


Today just sucks big lollipops. Tora-chan & her bf are going to break up since his father is obviously a very selfish person. Poor imouto-chan. I feel bad for her. :(

I have 3 days left of school. One test. One project. Spring concert. Then I'm out of there. Finally. All of my hard work has paid off. Now I can run off to college.

Some random person just IMed me. o__O;; ::cautious:: Must be very careful.

19 petals ~ does he love me?

Last post? [23 Apr 2006|07:34pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Alright. This has been hounding me a lot, so I'm going to be completely honest. I'm about to spill everything.

I feel so detached from everyone. I lost my best friend this month. Allister, another person very close to me, does not get online anymore nor does she call me. Everyone is growing up. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I know that LJ is my personal journal to post. It feels like with every post, I'm drifting more and more away from my so called friends. The only person that I still talk to one a mostly everyday basis would be my twin, Seke. No one else really talks to me or anything. Feeling so different and excluded from everyone has made me want to update less and less. Since I don't update much, I don't read anyone else's posts very much. I don't even comment much because I know that nothing will matter.

I have grown so much in the past two weeks. I post on the Mecha Forum most of the time. Well, I blew up on there today. It's so different from Numa Forum. Things must be kept so very professional. They have supergay rules coming out of the wazoo (sp?). I'm not used to having to follow a ton of rules just to keep things official. I know that rules are important and everything, but everyone is so on edge that members are getting fussed at for basically no reason at all. So bah. We're taking a 30 day haitus from the forum. No reading or posting. Inno-kun told me to go to LAF. I might do that as well. I will not have to deal with the forum's crazy rules.

I had a nightmare last night. Pretty much, Charlie and I were living together happily. We had a beautiful home and everything. We had a child already, and I was about half-way through another pregnancy. One night, as I was reading a bedtime story to my child, two men barged into the house. They were dressed in all black with masks on. They came into the room and forced my child and I downstairs. Charlie begged them to let me go, but they would not listen. They took my little girl and made her stand in front of us. Charlie and I started to pray. This angered the men, so they made me get up. I was forced out of my house at gunpoint with my child in my arms. As I'm entering a van, I hear a gunshot.. I know then that I am seperated from my love physically. They take me to a remote location and make my daughter watch as I am beaten and then shot in the back of the head. The last thing I said was "I love you. Don't worry, Mommy is not going to feel much of anything." What happened after that, I don't remember... oh, I hope nothing like that even will come true. I can't think of losing him. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about.

I dropped my lunch (salad from Wendy's) on the ground today.

I almost got into a wreck today on the interstate. An 18-wheeler two vehicles in front of me had a blow out. All I saw was the car in from of me swirve into the other lane and dust as the 18-wheeler tried to get off the road as soon as he could. I reacted before thinking, really, and got into the other lane as well. Another 18-wheeler was behind me, so I was very scared a wreck was going to happen. After that, I grabbed the phone and called Charlie. I made him calm me down because I was hypervenilating and freaking out. I wound up crying on my way home. I was so shaken up.

I feel most alive when I'm on the phone with Charlie. I feel so complete now that I have God and him in my life. I love him very much. He makes me more happy than I ever thought possible. I don't want to get too mushy since that's what got us into trouble on the forum in the first place.

I also have a big brother! :D Heehee~~ he loves catgirls. Inno-kun is his name. He's really nice and everything. You make him angry, it's a bad thing. So... I guess that really means not to mess with me. XD I would not want to see Inno upset. Just happy. heehee. So be nice to my big brother!

Yeah... I guess that concludes everything. If I still feel this way at the end of the week, then I will not update this lj again. Charlie offered me to have a joint xanga account with him, which I'm thinking about doing. That way, we can both make new friends, and I can talk to his friends as well. ^^; I think it makes sense. I can be closer to him even. heehee. He'll give me the password. We can then both update the xanga. I'm really thinking about taking up that offer.

So, for this week... I have to get my school work done. Only 7 days left of HS for me. I'm not going to be on LJ or the Mechacon Forum. I may be on AIM a little, but probably not very much. I'll be able to talk to Charlie on the phone most weeknights, so that's no worries. I don't sign onto MSN or Yahoo! very much, anyway.. so don't expect me there.

Goodbye to those that I once knew.

7 petals ~ does he love me?

Alright - REAL update [17 Apr 2006|03:49pm]
[ mood | devious ]

Hey guys. Sorry for not explaining much these past few days. Everything has been crazy. I'm not going to move or get distracted very much until I get through everything. This may take a while though.

Heh. Some people hate my bubbliness and happiness? Fine. I'll just go back to being emotionless. I'm happy now, but noooo~ some just can't understand that. Thanks. I'll keep my happiness to myself for now on. v_v;

I have made my final choice if that was not already obvious. Being torn between two people was the ultimate. I completely broke down. It was horrible. In the end, I'm just going to have to let Ben go. I'm not going to talk to him again nor will I acknowledge my past with him. I'm going to move forward and be the little angel I want to be. No more darkness or boohooness. So, if you can't take that I'm changing myself for the better.. ::points:: There's the door. Goodbye. Don't let the door hit you on your way out either.

I guess along with this change, I'm getting a lot more tolerate of humans and children especially. Scary? I know. I used to lose my patience with people so easily. I just did not want to deal with them. People around here are stupid and annoying after all. As far as children go.. well, everyone knows. I loathe children. Slowly, that's changing. Maybe the daycare is rubbing off on me after all?

Crissy (krystalkougarus) and I are no longer friends. Yeah... that's right. My best friend for almost four years does not want to speak to me anymore. She called me over the phone and told me everything as well. I was pissed off that she did not have the courage to do it to my face. Her reasons included that we never do anything together anymore. Well, I see her Monday-Friday since she comes here. On the weekends, I just want to sit back and relax. I don't have any school or work to do. It's my time off. So excuse me for not really wanting to go off driving all over to do something. Another reason was she did not want to be around someone like the person I had become. Sure, I picked up a few of Ben's rather not-so-good habits. Example: cursing. It was getting really bad. I'm trying to correct myself thoough and use better vocabulary. Charlie's really helping me with that. ^^ Plus, I was trying to let go of being super, super close. We're going to two different colleges. She'll be staying NSU all year until she graduates. She does not want to come back here for the summer. I'm going to SLU or ULL. We'll be hours apart and busy with other stuff. We won't get to see each other or talk much either. So I braced myself for that. I guess she took that the wrong way too. Whatever. I'm not losing sleep over it. If she wants to say goodbye, then I'm not going to argue. She said that we may be friends in the future or something. Heh. No. I don't socialize with people that turn their back on me. Not anymore. No ma'am. If she's going to be NSU all year round, and I'll be another college. Then, after college, I'll either be going to Grad school or looking for a job. She'll be off during her thing. We'll be completely different people. I don't think we'll ever meet up. I can't feel remorse for this so I will not cry over it. I basically told her to have a nice life and goodbye.

My dreams are stabilizing so good news there. I'm sleeping at night & a lot better. My imagination helps me a lot. Sadly, I can't sleep unless my pillows are all around me. If they are not touching me, then I freak and won't sleep until it's by me again. Am I weird?

Updates with Charlie-kun~
Everything is well. We're very happy. After this past week's scare (which I will not go into detail with), we're closer and more connected. We share a lot more of the same interests. He's getting me back into religion. We have read from the Bible and talked about what everything has meant. We pray. He has guided me in the right direction. I don't run from the sunlight. I want to go outside and lay in it; looking up at the sky and trying to find animals in the clouds. I have became a vessel of God. I pray every day. In the morning, I smile at the sun and thank God for giving me another healthy day of life. At night, I pray for everyone. I wish people health, love, and warmth from God and his league of angels. I feel so much happier now. I feel the light within me growing. It's like I'm so protected and loved. I'm finally on my way to living a live of love. I have a new found reason to get out of bed in the morning. I don't lag around and pouting for having to get up. I'm still not a morning person though. I guess that will not change.

I still can't physically cry. My eyelashes can get wet from what should be tears but that's about all. It's odd. It's like, I want to cry about something... but it just does not happen. No matter how much I try it too. On a slightly better note, I can feel physical pain now. I was not able to before. It makes no sense, but like... I could get a papercut, or maybe even cut myself while shaving. I'll see the blood running out of the cut, or I'll see the papercut. Nothing else though. I felt immune almost. Like, I had finally achieved perfect emotionlessness, and I did not want that. Now, I can feel once more. I'm so alive. It was cute yesterday. Charlie noticed how alive I sounded over the phone. It made him feel so happy.

The only sad thing to come around from everything is that Charlie was going to visit me this weekend. He really wanted to see me, and I was estatic with the thought. But, last night... come to find out, he can't come. ::cries:: I was shot down completely. It was like reality woke me up and laughed me at for knowing that we're not close to one another physically. He's 2 hours away, yeah.. that's not *that* far away but still. I know that his classes are very important, so I'm not going to complain. He needs to attend every one that he possiblt can so he can graduate and everything. Sure, I'm sad that he can't come... but I'm not going to completely show just how hurt I was to him. I just have to be patient and understanding. I'll see him soon enough. I guess I just really want to see him. Everything seems so surreal right now. Seeing him in front of me, that makes everything more real. I feel like in any given second, I'm going to blink and everything will be a dream. I don't know why I am saying all this, but it's how I truly feel in my heart. I just want to be close to him. Last night, I curled up in a ball with my blankies, huggled a pillow tight, and attempted to cry myself to sleep. Sadly, the eyelashes wetting is all I got but it was enough of a release to me. I feel like I'll never be safe enough until I'm in his arms. Then everything will be okay. I love him so much. I don't ever want to leave his side.

Finally, I fell into a restless sleep. I dreamed of losing him and other demented things. When I heard from him today, it made everything better. I guess that showed me he was okay and still here.

I want turkey.

Wow. o_o I managed to ramble a lot.

For the past few days, I've been posting a lot on the Mecha forum. I talk to the always-overly-adorable Inno on AIM everyday. I also talk to Tora-chan. And of course, I talk to my love for hours. I know I had a lot more to say, but my arms hurt now so it'll never get posted.

I also have 34973967450634 pics to most, but I'll have to do that another day.

I really need to get started on my projects. I have an English Project on Macbeth. Then I have the World History Bible of quotes to do. And I also have to read two chapters for World History to be ready to take a test after the holiday. I only have 7 days left.

OH! I remember now.
A friend of mine (I'm not saying a name) IMs me today and tries to give me a heartattack or something. He told me that I would never believe who was sitting next to him. He then asked me if I knew the singer and lead guitarist of PENICILLIN (Hakuei and Chisato). He won't tell me anything else! I asked him if they where there, and he laughs and says it would ruin the fun. I was a little freaked that two famous J-rockers COULD have been reading what I was typing. -_____-; I should have yelled "BAKA" at him so they could laugh if someone was truly there. I told him that I hope he does expect me to be all "OMG! CAN I SAY HI TO THEM? :DD" or some weird ass fangirl ramblings. I'm not like that, and he knows it. He said that he will talk to me later but he had to work at the moment... Maybe I'll get an explanation later? Eventually? My only worry was they are reading what I was saying to him. Something about that is a bit scary. Everything else I'm koolio about. ^^~ So, maybe, Hakuei and Chisato know of my existance... go me? o_O;

5 petals ~ does he love me?

[17 Apr 2006|12:15pm]
I'm currently changing my layout. So, if things are odd... that's why. ^^;;;

I have to go do something for Mum right now, but I'll finish it when I get back. Gah.. I hate leaving things incomplete, but I must go do her bidding. Sorry. T_T;;;

I got everything fixed.

Seke helped me some, so kudos to her. I was about to stop messing with it out of frustration but it's all good. HTML annoys me a lot. ;~; Thanks my twin for helping me.
2 petals ~ does he love me?

Question? [17 Apr 2006|10:27am]
Can anyone tell me the Romanji (and possibly translation, but I'm not caring about that as much) for this song title:

" ラブラブなカップル フリフリでチュ "


If anyone can tell me, thank you so much!!

FYI: It's the song title for a band called Rag Fair. They are awesome. PV for it is found here if you want to watch it.
5 petals ~ does he love me?

♥ It's a beautiful day! ♥ [16 Apr 2006|11:45am]
[ mood | TOO MANY TO LIST ]

Happy Easter!

It's a lovely day! I want to go outside and run around. I wen outside and heard the birdies. It was a awesome tune. *o* I'm so alive today. All thanks to Charlie saving me. I ♥ him so much. I've just been so happy this past week. He has woken up something grand inside me, and I'm living so much better now. I don't fear the light anymore. I want to walk in it. I just want to go lay in the grass and look up at the clouds. In the morning, I have a new reason to get up. I see the sun, smile, and thank God for another day of life. He helped me realize this. It's like he has guided me to the correct path. I'm the one that started walking down the path, but he's shown me the way. ♥ ♥

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I'm just so much in love right now... It makes me so happy!!!!!!!!!!! I'm swaying with so much happiness. I can't even sit still.

He might even come see me next weekend!! ♥

I'M SO BUBBLY! ::bubble bubble bubble:: ♥ ♥ ♥ I wanna blow bubbles.

I feel like I'm about to explodey from happiness. o_O; I've never felt this way before.

♥ ♥ ♥ NO MORE IMP CHIBI!!! ::dances:: ♥ ♥ ♥

I'm okay, really. Just happy. And bubbly. And awesome. And happy. And loved. And loving.

7 petals ~ does he love me?

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