Hey guys. Sorry for not explaining much these past few days. Everything has been crazy. I'm not going to move or get distracted
very much until I get through everything. This may take a while though.
Heh. Some people hate my bubbliness and happiness? Fine. I'll just go back to being emotionless. I'm happy now, but noooo~ some just can't understand that. Thanks. I'll keep my happiness to myself for now on. v_v;
I have made my final choice if that was not already obvious. Being torn between two people was the ultimate. I completely broke down. It was horrible. In the end, I'm just going to have to let Ben go. I'm not going to talk to him again nor will I acknowledge my past with him. I'm going to move forward and be the little angel I want to be. No more darkness or boohooness. So, if you can't take that I'm changing myself for the better.. ::points:: There's the door. Goodbye. Don't let the door hit you on your way out either.
I guess along with this change, I'm getting a lot more tolerate of humans and children especially. Scary? I know. I used to lose my patience with people so easily. I just did not want to deal with them. People around here are stupid and annoying after all. As far as children go.. well, everyone knows. I loathe children. Slowly, that's changing. Maybe the daycare is rubbing off on me after all?
Crissy (krystalkougarus) and I are no longer friends. Yeah... that's right. My best friend for almost four years does not want to speak to me anymore. She called me over the phone and told me everything as well. I was pissed off that she did not have the courage to do it to my face. Her reasons included that we never do anything together anymore. Well, I see her Monday-Friday since she comes here. On the weekends, I just want to sit back and relax. I don't have any school or work to do. It's my time off. So excuse me for not really wanting to go off driving all over to do something. Another reason was she did not want to be around someone like the person I had become. Sure, I picked up a few of Ben's rather not-so-good habits. Example: cursing. It was getting really bad. I'm trying to correct myself thoough and use better vocabulary. Charlie's really helping me with that. ^^ Plus, I was trying to let go of being super, super close. We're going to two different colleges. She'll be staying NSU all year until she graduates. She does not want to come back here for the summer. I'm going to SLU or ULL. We'll be hours apart and busy with other stuff. We won't get to see each other or talk much either. So I braced myself for that. I guess she took that the wrong way too. Whatever. I'm not losing sleep over it. If she wants to say goodbye, then I'm not going to argue. She said that we may be friends in the future or something. Heh. No. I don't socialize with people that turn their back on me. Not anymore. No ma'am. If she's going to be NSU all year round, and I'll be another college. Then, after college, I'll either be going to Grad school or looking for a job. She'll be off during her thing. We'll be completely different people. I don't think we'll ever meet up. I can't feel remorse for this so I will not cry over it. I basically told her to have a nice life and goodbye.
My dreams are stabilizing so good news there. I'm sleeping at night & a lot better. My imagination helps me a lot. Sadly, I can't sleep unless my pillows are all around me. If they are not touching me, then I freak and won't sleep until it's by me again. Am I weird?
Updates with Charlie-kun~
Everything is well. We're very happy. After this past week's scare (which I will not go into detail with), we're closer and more connected. We share a lot more of the same interests. He's getting me back into religion. We have read from the Bible and talked about what everything has meant. We pray. He has guided me in the right direction. I don't run from the sunlight. I want to go outside and lay in it; looking up at the sky and trying to find animals in the clouds. I have became a vessel of God. I pray every day. In the morning, I smile at the sun and thank God for giving me another healthy day of life. At night, I pray for everyone. I wish people health, love, and warmth from God and his league of angels. I feel so much happier now. I feel the light within me growing. It's like I'm so protected and loved. I'm finally on my way to living a live of love. I have a new found reason to get out of bed in the morning. I don't lag around and pouting for having to get up. I'm still not a morning person though. I guess that will not change.
I still can't physically cry. My eyelashes can get wet from what should be tears but that's about all. It's odd. It's like, I want to cry about something... but it just does not happen. No matter how much I try it too. On a slightly better note, I can feel physical pain now. I was not able to before. It makes no sense, but like... I could get a papercut, or maybe even cut myself while shaving. I'll see the blood running out of the cut, or I'll see the papercut. Nothing else though. I felt immune almost. Like, I had finally achieved perfect emotionlessness, and I did not want that. Now, I can feel once more. I'm so alive. It was cute yesterday. Charlie noticed how alive I sounded over the phone. It made him feel so happy.
The only sad thing to come around from everything is that Charlie was going to visit me this weekend. He really wanted to see me, and I was estatic with the thought. But, last night... come to find out, he can't come. ::cries:: I was shot down completely. It was like reality woke me up and laughed me at for knowing that we're not close to one another physically. He's 2 hours away, yeah.. that's not *that* far away but still. I know that his classes are very important, so I'm not going to complain. He needs to attend every one that he possiblt can so he can graduate and everything. Sure, I'm sad that he can't come... but I'm not going to completely show just how hurt I was to him. I just have to be patient and understanding. I'll see him soon enough. I guess I just really want to see him. Everything seems so surreal right now. Seeing him in front of me, that makes everything more real. I feel like in any given second, I'm going to blink and everything will be a dream. I don't know why I am saying all this, but it's how I truly feel in my heart. I just want to be close to him. Last night, I curled up in a ball with my blankies, huggled a pillow tight, and attempted to cry myself to sleep. Sadly, the eyelashes wetting is all I got but it was enough of a release to me. I feel like I'll never be safe enough until I'm in his arms. Then everything will be okay. I love him so much. I don't ever want to leave his side.
Finally, I fell into a restless sleep. I dreamed of losing him and other demented things. When I heard from him today, it made everything better. I guess that showed me he was okay and still here.
I want turkey.
Wow. o_o I managed to ramble a lot.
For the past few days, I've been posting a lot on the Mecha forum. I talk to the always-overly-adorable Inno on AIM everyday. I also talk to Tora-chan. And of course, I talk to my love for hours. I know I had a lot more to say, but my arms hurt now so it'll never get posted.
I also have 34973967450634 pics to most, but I'll have to do that another day.
I really need to get started on my projects. I have an English Project on Macbeth. Then I have the World History Bible of quotes to do. And I also have to read two chapters for World History to be ready to take a test after the holiday. I only have 7 days left.
OH! I remember now.
A friend of mine (I'm not saying a name) IMs me today and tries to give me a heartattack or something. He told me that I would never believe who was sitting next to him. He then asked me if I knew the singer and lead guitarist of PENICILLIN (Hakuei and Chisato). He won't tell me anything else! I asked him if they where there, and he laughs and says it would ruin the fun. I was a little freaked that two famous J-rockers COULD have been reading what I was typing. -_____-; I should have yelled "BAKA" at him so they could laugh if someone was truly there. I told him that I hope he does expect me to be all "OMG! CAN I SAY HI TO THEM? :DD" or some weird ass fangirl ramblings. I'm not like that, and he knows it. He said that he will talk to me later but he had to work at the moment... Maybe I'll get an explanation later? Eventually? My only worry was they are reading what I was saying to him. Something about that is a bit scary. Everything else I'm koolio about. ^^~ So, maybe, Hakuei and Chisato know of my existance... go me? o_O;